i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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