Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
