I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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