sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
