My sheets look like a crime scene.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
