Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize