My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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