I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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