someone get that fucking seahorse.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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