She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
