someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
