you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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