Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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