Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
