Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
In America we eat man semen.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
