Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
