whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
