I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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