mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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