remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
