if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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