I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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