guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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