is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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