my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
