my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
