Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She's the barista slut.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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