Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
