So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
