i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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