she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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