You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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