dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
