I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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