Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
we should paint friendship bongs
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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