I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
