Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
