I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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