i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
