someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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