GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
