Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
