My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
