he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
