I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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