3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize