Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize