Who wears a wallet chain?!
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
