somebody snuck up and got me drunk
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize