tell your sister to shave her snatch
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
