Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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