My Higher Power is John Stamos
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
