I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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