i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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