I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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