So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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