Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
